I can’t believe I’m here. Baby girl is 7.5 months old and growing so incredibly fast. Her two bottom teeth are coming in. She keeps a scary cough and is on breathing treatments which trigger some anxiety but nothing that puts me in that unfunctional level of terror. I grow in awe and love of her each day. This is a far cry from not being able to be near her at all. It all looks so crazy now but it was real and the darkest and scariest ride of my life. I still continue to squeeze in as much self care as possible. I write daily gratitudes I keep in my purse. I am so thankful I continued to push through the terror. I grow each and every day as I continue to adjust to my new world. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted but things have improved tremendously. I started going to therapy. I got on the prescribed amount of paxil. I take hormones. I go to Yoga twice a week. I text with a warrior mom daily. I’ve bonded with my daughter. I allow my sister to help some and get a babysitter every once in a while. I love my life. I love my little girl. She is now 6.5 months old and is easier to care for. I still get anxious at times but I can function through it. I accept it as a part of my life. Today I am so grateful for PPA. I’ve learned and am learning so much about myself and my life.
It’s been a few days since I’ve written. I’ve had some bad days and some good days. Today is a day I feel very blessed to be having. I slept for a solid 5.5 – 6 hours last night and awoke this morning with little to no anxiety. I spent some time with my husband yesterday alone for the first time since before the baby was born. That was fantastic. I really need to keep my focus on today. When I think of all the days ahead I get anxious and scared. I also tend to think of this phase as forever. It’s not forever. I do not like the baby phase at all. And that’s ok. I don’t have to like it. I do have to be responsible and find the best balance I can with caring for my baby and meeting some of my needs as well. It’s a one day at a time thing. God is also really helping. I asked for his help and he is answering my prayers. I am also wondering if the low level of medication is helping. I am just so grateful that I awoke this morning feeling ok and with a semblance of some form of serenity.
Not sure how I feel today other than tired. Thankful to have a therapy appointment in the afternoon. The increase in meds are what I believe to be making me tired and I increase them again this weekend. I don’t want to really eat but am able to get food down which is an improvement from not being able to eat. Work is totally dead today. Nothing to do. That does not help my state of mind. Trying to do little things like a load of laundry. Being alone does not help either.
Today I am starting this blog to walk through my journey. Today I have hope. I believe that my child was given to me for a reason and that while I know I love her, I do not feel bonded. That scares me. I want to feel bonded. I want to feel happy and not sad and over whelmed. I am doing everything I can to recover. I am taking medication. I don’t want to take medication, but I am. I am afraid as we have increased the dose this week and I am waiting to see how I do with it. I am going to therapy. I am paying a support person to sit with me in the evening three days a week after work until my husband comes home to help. I am going to Yoga twice a week. Mostly I am praying to God to help me through. I want to be the mother that God intended me to be.